Depression is a progressive disease with results that are more far-reaching and long-lasting than one would expect. When you hate yourself, you start thinking everyone must hate you. When you think that way, you react defensively, treating them as your enemies. Those who are treated as enemies for long enough will likely become what they are perceived to be. A self-fulfilling prophecy, a damaging disease. It wastes away love...even if the ties are strong enough to survive, they survive wounded and confused. They never meant to be the enemy. They can't understand why you're running away, why you're keeping them at a distance, why you're so angry at the smallest things. I don't know anymore who I was or am or how to be who I should be. I don't know if I ever knew. I'm the child who never grew up, only halfway grew up--and each half doesn't know what to do with the other.
She's lost, again and again.
Dear God, alone saving, give strength to the weakest, wisdom to the blindest of fools. I don't know where to go but You, and I'm forever fleeing my only refuge. I think I'm afraid I won't hear You if I listen, or I won't obey You if I hear. I think I'm just afraid, always. Of everything. Help me to be afraid of nothing, no one but You.
Reconcile me. To You, to everyone.
Do I believe You will? If that's what is meant by amen...
I know all Your prophecies are self-fulfilled. Amen.
1 comment:
Hang in there, "Halle"-berry. What has helped me the most when darkness threatened me was looking back on dark days in the past and noticing that my world didn't collapse between then and now, despite the overwhelming feelings of despair at the time. Such reflection on the everyday successes helps put things in perspective.
You will make it, one day at a time. Slowly but surely, with jumps and starts and slides back and steps forward, you'll continue to develop a sense of inner peace through your determination and growing self-confidence. You will continue to draw strength from within, from family, and from friends (and yes, from your faith)... and concurrently, those connections with other people will also steadily improve: the interactions will become smoother. It gets easier to connect with others when you can better connect with yourself. (It never reaches the ideal, of course, but such is the nature of being human. One makes progress. :)
Just remember that people (ourselves included!) often read too much into the non-verbal signals. Everyone has insecurities - everyone! So we're always ready to react defensively and to misinterpret. The research I've read on interpersonal communication reveals that most miscommunication and tension are a result of audience misinterpretation of messages, both verbal and non-verbal. Both parties together are responsible for clear communication, and both have a hand in communication going awry.
People are fallable, and we make mistakes practically every moment, especially in things as complex as communication. But people generally have good intentions, and good hearts, and we want to communicate well and to help each other be happy. Have faith in yourself and in others, therefore! Things will continue to get better.
Keep your chin up. ;-)
G-
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