Depression is a progressive disease with results that are more far-reaching and long-lasting than one would expect. When you hate yourself, you start thinking everyone must hate you. When you think that way, you react defensively, treating them as your enemies. Those who are treated as enemies for long enough will likely become what they are perceived to be. A self-fulfilling prophecy, a damaging disease. It wastes away love...even if the ties are strong enough to survive, they survive wounded and confused. They never meant to be the enemy. They can't understand why you're running away, why you're keeping them at a distance, why you're so angry at the smallest things. I don't know anymore who I was or am or how to be who I should be. I don't know if I ever knew. I'm the child who never grew up, only halfway grew up--and each half doesn't know what to do with the other.
She's lost, again and again.
Dear God, alone saving, give strength to the weakest, wisdom to the blindest of fools. I don't know where to go but You, and I'm forever fleeing my only refuge. I think I'm afraid I won't hear You if I listen, or I won't obey You if I hear. I think I'm just afraid, always. Of everything. Help me to be afraid of nothing, no one but You.
Reconcile me. To You, to everyone.
Do I believe You will? If that's what is meant by amen...
I know all Your prophecies are self-fulfilled. Amen.