Renovation. my prayer.

Is it possible? Forgiveness?
Can bitterness sleep? Can--defeatism be defeated?
Will everything indeed be overturned and reconciled
Conquered--more than conquered--the worst of things,
even irreconcilable evil--madness

torturous wanderings, Jesus
Jesus, why is your name...sweetest
pain

because I have crucified you.

Jesus, you saw it, didn't you?
--and you suffered. you suffered, too.
you didn't make us to be whole without you.
you didn't come to show us what to do.
you came to be who
would bare our brokenness
and bear our brokenness
and your grace is sufficient
for such as we are
and your power is made perfect
in such as we are
and we are all hypocrites
we are all fools
riddled with darkness
sprinkled with holes
leprous, parched for a drink
somebody hurt us God what do you think
things like this break our minds, Jesus
things like this can terrify
if the almighty won't protect us who will
but you are in it all
you were there first
and when we see it
when will we see it
see your face
because you didn't make us to be whole without you
so we are all limping
and we are all broken
and sewing our fingers between every knuckle
and wondering why we can't ever be better
but you're only telling us, come and remember
eat this bread and drink this cup
of suffering
and I am with you
with you
you are not your own
not alone
come to me
and if you fall
fall on me

Throes of Precluded Glory (20th century rubbish)

emotion crawled like a wormy caterpillar across the page.
sadly
insufficient
dead. dead. dead. dead. dead. beats. thrums. hums.
headache in my head
this is a thermal avenue of change, thermal avenue of change
which witch wish I wish it was Monday evening and free
go to bed and get up and get up and get up and it's really never free
mind it's bloody never free from chains in dark choking prisms
prisms too color-coded for light, too many-colored for guidance
too many-angled for sight
tonight it's express and then garbage, tomorrow little better than nothing
changes
tomorrow we will revolutionize, recycle our selves into what they were yesterday.
emotion. emotion. emotion. emotion. emotion. emotion. emotion. em
ot
io
n
dripped like a sodden three-week-old wash rag, sour-grey, and dissipated
the page clock-stopped at 4:48 PM, Saturday, December 8.

"what does that mean?"
"it doesn't."

Ruminating before English 331 : Five Questions

How can I be everything to everyone I want to be?

How can I stop losing what I have before I know how to use it?

How can I stop fearing to do more than the menial?

How can I stop fearing to speak or touch anything deeper than the superficial surface?

How can I see to the heart of any matter, when I can't see past the matter of my heart?

A little thought, a little prayer these days.

"He speaks, and the sound of His voice/ Is so sweet, the birds hush their singing..."

I have been thinking about evangelism lately...I've heard, through my life, various approaches to this command. "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father who is in Heaven" is a popular one, supported also by "Show me your faith without works, and I will show you my faith by what I do." I've heard it said that your life is a better witness than your words. I believe it. But to what is my life attesting?

I cannot speak the words of the gospel clearly if I do not believe them to the saving of my soul. Can my very soul be saturated with the very essence of God--can I die verily with Christ and live again only because He also lives--

God--

I'm getting married. and I am to be baptized next Sunday. How does this outward profession of faith and death and life and sanctification and covenantal symbolism affect my daily living?

to live is Christ. --but Christ and His gospel are often, to me, only intellectually accepted as truth, giving me no hope of holiness and no love for anyone. I don't understand the deep love of Jesus. I cannot believe that he would devote that sacred Head for such a worm as I.

but He did. humble me, Lord. humble me.

I think marriage will certainly be a learning experience about the sacrificial love of Christ for His church--not that I expect my husband to live it perfectly, but I know that I am already deeply grateful that my beloved chose me to love...chose me when I did not choose him, when I did not want anything to do with his love.

I hope I am beginning to see this a little more clearly. My life cannot reflect the gospel if my soul is not convinced of Christ's eternally enduring love. May I then abide in Christ...if He loves me, what or whom shall I fear?

neither death
nor marriage
nor procreation
nor student loans
nor childbirth
nor anything else in all creation

"...I am weak, but He is strong..."

amen.

As
the boy in the attic
tunes his guitar to another aspect of his soul
it fills the space, vitality trembles, trebles

the girl in the kitchen
fits the end of a bagel between her teeth
And wishes that she wasn't so cold
or May wasn't so extensive
or purity of heart so elusive

the recluse is gone, in her place
the ghost of what was sorrowful,
grateful,
now complacent.

chamomile tea, solution
in which dissolve
thought
action
conscience
love

Jesus is an intellectual concession
Sin is an unfortunate obstacle
innocence is ambitious, an assumption foregone
love is the momentary dictation

speak o heart

lying under your heavy blanket
cry infant submission
cry bloody conception, the water
and the blood

hyssop
and i shall be clean