I've been away. I almost see no purpose in coming back today. I'm still not here. I go away every day, to a place separate from everyone, where I view them through a veil. They don't touch me. Half asleep, I watch them falling...I look down and wonder why I don't feel my broken legs. If my blood is no longer pulsing, how can I call myself alive? My anger is my guilt...impotent and infinite. I think I have the power and the right to condemn myself, give myself justice. I think I am unhappy because I am not the "better person" that I ought to be. I think I must rid myself of my selfishness to rid myself of guilt. I must do well and love others. I must strive for excellence in all things. When did I give up that quest? and again defeated. defeated, defeated, defeated. weakness is my birthright.
but I have no rights. and a desire to be better is insufficient and motivated by pride.
When shall I be moved by love?
birthright.
my God,
i have sought
i have naught
i asked You to kill me
i want You to love me
i want everything
i am nothing
my birthright is death
guilt
weakness
sin
hell
what have You given me but grace?
I despise it and ask for Your justice.
Be not gentle with me, i say
and know not what i say
the Lord is too gentle with me
i will punish myself.
i teach myself nothing
i attempt nothing
i accomplish nothing
i am nothing.
the noun of my soul is a motive.
the motive of my soul is not love,
but greed.
not love,
but pride.
not love,
but discontent.
why is nothing so heavy? i cannot move it.
today...
i drink the cup of emptiness
for want of love of you
your words fall worthless through my heart
my false is ringing true
should I have been anathema
forsaken and displayed
i shiver in the holy place
worm-eaten and decayed
and taken by my impotence
i curse my birth and die
i love i hate i love i hate
my soul, eternity
a step, a brief discovery
and more to know of what
i cannot be and will not do
i have not love, am not.
