Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Regret

Curse it. CURSE IT! So much lost. So much missed. So much still unacknowledged. So much pain. So much--too much. So many ignored. So many assumptions. So many inhibitions. And now...I want to know. I don't want to be afraid to care. It's too late to be uncaring. I want to be of use, of help. I have long wanted to, have long feared answers, have long feared rejection or indifference. I fear above all things my own indifference. Many things I regret.
I'll be all right someday. I just need to wake up and find the door of this tomb.

Who are you? I want to know.

I only know partially myself, and I don't seem important enough that I should bother to help you understand me.

Who I am doesn't matter. It's you I should want to know.

Why are we all so frightened? It can only get better only if we're willing to risk it. Yet to cast aside doubt and distrust and truly be honest with each other is a difficult undertaking. So easy it is for someone to pass judgment rather than to show compassion. To be trusted one must bear evidence of an open and gentle heart. One must say, in words or action or attitude or all above, I will listen. I will be here. I will care. I will love.

That takes courage, more than I have. So help me God.

I only want to be useful before I die.

4 comments:

Kinma said...

If you dwell on all the things that you regret then you will never get the chance to make the right choice later in life. Everyone makes mistakes and that is a truth, I know that I have made mistakes but looking back most of them I don't regret. You can’t win unless you play, that is a fact that I am now learning. No one knows what winning feels like if they have never lost. By helping us understand you, you will learn more about yourself. I think that you need to "know thy self" before you really know others. Honesty can be a dangerous thing; I have a hard time with honesty but only when it may hurt others. I’m a judging person, no doubt about that but, I am also compassionate. By helping one person you are useful, it doesn’t matter how you help them. In your believe God will listen, will be here, will care, will love. But if ever you want a less divine person, I will listen. I will be here. I will care. I will love.

HSD said...

kinma,

noble sentiments. i thank you.
i meant to say, really though, that such a person is what i want to be for others.

less than divine, perhaps...but enough to be of use.

glad to have you here, friend-- welcome to the family.

--H.S.D.

That's interesting.... said...

update!!

That's interesting.... said...

Holly!!!
Your speech was marvelous! I was very impressed. I felt like going out and writing some poetry of my own. Oh and thank you for the lovely gift. I was so happy to get it.